Kicking my ass…..

So here lately I have not wanted to do much of anything.  I am doing my best to get up everyday and find a purpose.  The idea of not getting out in the house much has somewhat subsided and I’m starting to make myself at home here in our home.  It’s hard though man, much harder than I ever thought it would be.  I decided not to put in for the job at the US Embassy in Rabat.  I am at a disadvantage because the job required fluency in French, English and Arabic.  Well I’ve got one of them down pat as you can see.  I can read French, no problemo but conversation is limited.  The Arabic.. pffft well what I’m learning in books is just not what’s spoken or there’s 6 ways to say one word.  So that’s progressing at baby steps.  In the mean time I’m occupying myself with cooking.  I am going to attempt french onion soup.  If I can’t speak much French I can eat something French in hopes of waking up one morning and magically will be fluent in French.

For those of you who don’t know I have been into witchcraft before and often read different items and tarot cards.  I’ve been doing this sort of thing since I was a child when I discovered I had a gift of touching things and being able to tell you about them.  I really got good in college with transcendental meditation and the touching thing.  Then I picked up reading candles.  This is a time in my life when I was most spiritually aware and I really have wanted to get back to that place for the better of 8 years.  So with no adieu I am perusing this again in hopes of achieving some spiritual awakening.  Recently I made my own tarot cards and am working on the interpretation book.  I had to regretfully leave my coveted Aleister Crowley Toth Deck behind due to the weight of my luggage.  There were more important things to bring like clothes, shoes and purses. So now I’m on this new venture to develop myself spiritually by making my own cards.  The task is enormous in case any of you wondered.  I do think though it will be the best set of cards ever because they are my creation and I am pouring my creativity and spirit into them.  So far with all the readings I’ve done are 100% dead on balls accurate.  Yes I’ve been watching some My Cousin Vinny in case you wondered where I got that.  I haven’t yet read cards for anyone else yet and I won’t until I feel in tuned with them more but I can imagine they will be great cards to read because of the clarity they exhibit even now.

Other than that I am settling into everyday life.  I really don’t look at a watch anymore unless it is to see how long it’s been since Butch has been out or when Mbarek is going to be home so I can have dinner ready.  I’m still struggling with the ingredients necessary to fix food here at home.  I have the time finally to experiment with everything and finding the things I need is so difficult.  I have to say I’ve been rather short tempered recently like somewhat hot headed.  I only hope my poor husband can tolerate this.  We communicate wonderfully though so I really hope he can stand the rain.  It won’t last forever though.  This week has been kindof challenging for me because I’ve been a little down.  He’s been working alot and me being language challenged sometimes feel isolated.  I knew this though when I moved here so it’s something I certainly expected to happen.  However I make it a point to get out and go to the store to buy something everyday.  Too bad there are only two stores in town that sell alcohol.  Is that bad?  Maybe not but sometimes a girl just needs a glass of wine, a cold beer, or a couple of shots of vodka.  Man I miss vodka!

So this morning we went to the souk and really it’s only about 100 feet from my house and it was so busy this morning because today is Friday Free Day.  Everyone was buying that orange red melon that they put in couscous.  I however am not a fan of the freaking root vegetables that they use here.  I think they are parsnips.. Oh my God YUCK and the bastards stink up the place when they’re cooked.  They are horrible.  I have discovered fish here though fresh fish.  I don’t know about you all but my sister n law cooks the best fried sardines in the world.  I never thought I’d like sardines and I don’t like them in the can but they are actually small tasty fish.  I’m ready to venture out though and get some bigger fish.  The problem is that my husband has never really had to buy groceries, well this is his first marriage.  He just doesn’t know what it takes to make really good food.  He just thinks that you throw stuff in the pot and it makes a great meal.  Well sometimes it’s not that simple, I laugh at him and here recently I have to remind myself that this is new to him.  Today I found myself at the souk and there was not a fish to be found.  Evidently people don’t eat fish on Free Day.  So he says to me what do we need?  Well considering my recipe plans changed so quick I didn’t have time to think of what all I actually had here at home and what I needed to buy.  Keep in mind we buy just what we need for the meal there are usually no extras, well maybe a couple of carrots or a left over onion but it’s all used in the planned meal.  So I did my best and grabbed some staples, potatoes, eggs, fraise, fresh peas and garbanzo beans.  I grabbed 4 lbs of onions for the French Onion Soup.  Oh and we got 5 lbs of fresh butter for $5 then cows milk.  OMG the milk is fabulous you can’t buy milk in the states like this unless it’s from a certified farm or own your own cow.  I remember a gallon of real cows milk in Albuquerque was $10 and that was 7 years ago so I can’t imagine how much it is now.  And back then you had to call ahead with your order, there was only one farm certified by the state of NM to sell this milk.  Well on the street here you can buy it but you must be up early because it sells so quick.   Anyway because I was having a bad day, I’ve been out of a coffee maker and coffee for a week now, we are going to just have salad and maybe turkey sand from out.  I did get my coffee maker yesterday but the coffee man that sells the good coffee was not working today, again Free Day.  These damn Muslims and their time off for prayer and free day.  LOL what am I bitching about I’m a Muslim but every day for me is free day because I am a certified housewife now.  It’s interesting when you see a really cool shop that you want to go in, see something but you want to come back to get it and they are never open.  So you literally have to ask when they are open and ask if they close during prayer and lunch and free day. Then you have to hope that they come to work and open the store when they say they will be there.  It’s like rolling the dice when trying to time shopping trips.  The one thing you can always count on is the coffee shops.  I swear the coffee around our house in the Commander area suck.  Their coffee tastes horrible, no wonder we go across town to get coffee all the time.

So I’m battling the depression, which I expected would return with a vengeance and it has. I’m taking one day at a time, one day is good the next is bad, then good, then bad.  I wish it would just go away.  I am working on it and as long as Mbarek will work with me I can beat it without the medicine.  I know the warning signs of it so I’m taking it slow and at my own pace really thinking things through and I’ve been kicking my own ass to do things.  Today after shopping I was so lethargic that it was really evident in my selfie that I took.  Then I decided to just get and bed and sleep it off.  I woke up rather groggy and then I remembered we did buy some instant coffee packets today so I made two cups of coffee and Julie is back.  It’s amazing what caffeine does to a person, helps elevate their mood.  I just know I cannot do without my coffee.  So I MADE  myself get out and get fresh air, then I came home after the walk and washed dishes, because every dish I had was dirty and it was an enormous task but I did it.  I cleaned my little kitchen area and even swept the carpet.  Hey I’m on my way and yes I realize that it’s small things but they are huge to me.

So with that it’s time for me to wrap it up for today because I have a turkey sand and fries coming for dinner and he will be here with them very soon.  I think he will be very surprised at my transformation from earlier today.  Just so all of you know I am posting photos of myself because I think it’s important to speak out about depression.  If you have a loved one who has depression please be patient with them and love them even if they don’t want you to.  If you feel that someone is suicidal be sure to help them in every way you can, life is too short to end it early.  It’s a real disease that is life altering to the one suffering and those who love them.  Be kind to one another as we are all we have.

I love you all!

Ciao Bella!

morning

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afternoon

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evening writing my post

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3 thoughts on “Kicking my ass…..

  1. Cathy Oliver says:

    Hi, Jules! Sorry you are having some tough days, but you seem to be handling them well. I wish I could. I think I’m in denial about depression. I just can’t get started. I may send you some pics of my house in Messenger…for your eyes only! I’m embarrassed by my inability to do things. I use my back and knees as a reason, but I can work around them…not well, but I can. Thank you for sharing this message because it’s making me face my reality. I don’t want to take any more med,..kidney issues…so I need to follow your example.

    I was worried about this happening to you, but you are a smart gal and are coping well. When the “new” wears off a situation, it’s easy to get in a rut, but again, you seem to know how to fight it.

    I’m sorry I didn’t do a better job with the French. I honestly shouldn’t have been teaching it. I tried to tell them, but they didn’t care. They just wanted a slot for 30+ bodies filled. I started teaching Frenck in 1984 or 85. My last French class was in 1969. Even then, my strength was in reading and writing where I could look up what I needed and check my work, not in conversational French. I actually speak and think better in French niw than I did then be ause I have some French friends on FB snd in a game I play…Dragon Story. I like ie because it’s pretty! The drsgons I breed, hatch, and raise are usually very pretty…brightly colored with beautiful faces and details.. My child comes out to play. You might pass some time with one of the nice games. I also color! What a child!

    I have to run now. Jim just got out of Suburban for the 3rd time this year. He gets sepsis very easily. One germ and BAM! Hospital! He also has cirrhosis, but doesn’t drink. It’s from eating too many fatty foods. But you don’t want to hear that. Today is our 16th anniversary! I hope Jim is well enough this year that we can travel. We want to try to get to our timeshare in Sedona…love that place! If not there, then maybe the lake outside Branson, MO. We don’t boat, but we enjoy sitting on our screened in porch watching and listening to Table Rock Lake…almost as peaceful as Sedona.

    You hang in there, Jules. You are living an amazing new life. You have sounded happier than I’ve heard you since Moore, oh! Stay away from tne vodka. That stuff can be sadness in a bottle. It’s a depressant, but you know that. Bad juju! Shop, send pictures, get some recipes online and cook ’em up! Occupy those beautiful, artistic hands. Also, message me about makeup you might want…used…I understand. I still have some Avon stuff around. Can nail polish be sent? I don’t want to get us in trouble! I could send you some Jamberry nails that I have but can’t get to work well on me…ridged nails. You could have fun with them.

    Stay strong. I love you and look forward to your blog! You are a ray of sunshine. Hugs and kisses, Julie. Sweet dreams! Xoxoxoxoxo

    Like

      • Cathy Oliver says:

        Awwww! Thanks, Julie. I still wish .i had given you more speaking background. Now to learn Arabic!

        Love you! ❤️💖💖💜❤️

        Like

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