Who I am… let me tell you

Moving to Morocco has been tough on me but it’s the best thing I’ve ever done. There have been a few times in my life that I can actually say that about decisions I’ve made and I think that makes me lucky. At least I am fortunate to be able to say a decision I’ve made was the best. So since I’ve been here 6 months it’s been a real humbling experience. Under the covers I’ve dealt with a myriad of feelings and hostilities I didn’t even realize I had accumulated over the course of my life. For the first time in my life I haven’t been searching for a job or been worried about how I’m going to pay my bills. For the first time I have had to deal with myself. When a person has to deal with themselves and discover who they are at 42 it’s very humbling. I had a great 3 months here then after I got married things slowed down and I became bored. I was struggling every day to wake up and try to do something. I became very angry at my decision to move; I felt trapped here with no way out. I lashed out at my husband and just wanted to pack up and leave this place. I read my tarot cards, prayed, blogged, journaled, spent way too much time on the internet and became obsessed with finding something to keep me busy. My husband would come home from work and I would be in tears just bawling or sometimes even catatonic, my body flaccid not able to talk to him or get up. I started researching what in the hell could be wrong with me and I determined it was Culture Shock and I had all the symptoms. It’s amazing how bad I felt and the easy thing to do was say, “I’m just gonna go home”. Well I’m still here and I’m happy I didn’t give up but there was more going on than just culture shock. Man I remember the days when I just saw no hope and all I could see was I was losing my independence and had lost my life. My tarot cards kept telling me I was bound by my own chains and that I needed to search inward for my answers and happiness. Oh brother that was the last thing I wanted to hear. That was the farthest thing because to me I didn’t have any problems, I had left them all behind when I moved. WRONG. You know the old saying, “Where ever you go, there you are”, well it’s so true. Granted I didn’t have any of the problems like paying bills or worried that the bank was going to kick me out of my house anymore but evidently there was something that I was missing because I was still misreable. My poor husband just kept trying to help me and unfortunatly there was nothing, nothing he could do. I’m very lucky he didn’t decide to send me home. I just didn’t realize that I had so much internally to deal with. I spent many days and nights in tears. I spent some time just leaving this house and getting out to just walk around alone not thinking people would be worried about where I’d gone. I remember not too long ago I wrote a note to Mbarek and left it on the computer. “I’m going back home, I need the internet so I can get a job, That’s it I’m done!” I left the house and went off on my bike. It was one of those days that I didn’t care, I just was done and I wanted out. Yes he came across town to get me at the local park where Butch and I were having a great time just enjoying sunshine. But I suppose what I want to say is that this particular day I was ready to leave. Deep down I was ready to go. I came home and after that things have not been the same with me. After that day I have thought more about things and really have accepted that I have been done wrong by people in this life. I’ve been done wrong more than I’ve done others wrong. I am a very strong woman and it’s not for lack of intelligence, self esteeme, kindess or honesty did I find myself in a mess. The direction that I had planned for my life just got off track by trying to make a bad situation work. There are not many of you who know that many years ago in 2010 I worked for a company where the owners accused me of soliciting myself to their employees. They accused me of prostitution and used that as the reason they fired me. Now that’s not what they told me when they fired me but when I went to file for my unemployment that’s what they reported. I fought and fought for myself because it was not true. I wrote the Governor of New Mexico, our Senators, City officials, county officials and told them all of my story on how the owner sexually harrassed me and discriminated against me. I lost a portion of the life I built for myself all because they were just evil people. I had just built my house and then they fired me for something so so so uncomprehendable to me. They said they had witnesses so I took my case, without an attorney, to the EEOC and the US Department of Labor. I represented myself across the table from the evil ones and I stood up for myself when no one else would and I did it alone. After years of fighting these people I finally decided to put it behind me because I needed an attorney and I didn’t have the money for one. I had to leave it behind and it was the root cause of many of the problems I had. (A few years ago their so called witness came to my house to appologize for his false testimony only after he had been done wrong by these people, fyi) When something like that happens you have trouble finding a job but luckily I had to just tell future employers the truth about these people. I discovered I was hirable but due to the economy I lost many good jobs over the years, people just couldn’t afford to pay the salary I required. Boy talk about the fight of my life, I should have left Albuquerque then but I was determined to stick it out. Then the last job I had I was fired for being a Muslim. Holy Shit would this ever end? I ask myself why these things happened to me. Why did employers feel they could talk to me bad and the only reason I could imagine is that I let them because I needed my job. I needed money to live so just quitting wasn’t an option and they knew that. I had moved on from a dead marriage when I moved to Albuquerque and here I was again in a dead spot. So I did the unthinkable I walked away from EVERYTHING. I realize now I tried to run and run fast away. I ran away and left it all behind, or at least I thought I had. It’s been hard work dealing with all of the hurt and feelings of failure, it’s been overwhelming. I’m lucky I’ve had the time to really sit here bored alot and my only responsibility is to take the dog for a walk. Even then I wasn’t dealing with the internal issues, the concequences, the coming to terms of what hurt I have endured. What I realized is that I never dealt with things that I had done back in my late teens. I have spent time thinking about why I even got married back in 1997. I have spent time pondering the loss of my daughter and all of the feelings I still carried with me of hurt and anger because God had taken her. There’s been time sorting through all of the decisions I had made in my life from the small ones to the large ones. I’ve surfaced so many things from deep inside that it scares me to think that I was carrying all that around for so long. No wonder I was a fucking mess. My mother has always told me, “People know when you have problems”, and I tend to believe she is right but it goes further than that because most people don’t know how many real problems they have or how to deal with them. People, like myself, get so good at masking their problems as they mount and don’t deal with them to be able to move on. I would have loved to have taken some time off work just to soul search and deal with all the shit. The two things I said when I was planning my move to Morocco. One, I wanted to slow my life down. Two, I wanted to eat healthier. I never planned that there would be a third, clearing my mind from many years of baggage. The hamster wheel had become my life with no hopes of getting off. I had no future in the direction I was travelling. I really didn’t know what to expect of myself moving away and getting off that wheel but it’s been harder than I thought.
I read something today said by the Dhali Lama when he was asked what surprised him most about humanity and it goes like this: “Man. because he sacrifices his health in order to make money. Then he sacrifices money to recuperate his health. And then he is so anxious about the future that he does not enjoy the present; the result being that he does not live in the present or the future; he lives as if he is never going to die, and then dies having never really lived.”
There is much truth to this and I am lucky enough to have made a decision to live. It’s taken 6 months to get my mind straight, to recuperate. I would have never ever been able to do this in the US because I couldn’t have taken the time off. I can’t seem to remember a time when I wasn’t worried about tomorrow or the future but I will say if you can take the time to slow things down you need to do it. Maybe adults in the western world are on so much medication for depression and bi-polar conditions because of the fact there is no time to deal with what’s inside so they prescribe an RX for that. That’s what happened to me. I had gotten to the point in the US where I thought I was crazy, yep crazy, ready to check myself into the psych ward. I was on medication only to mask what I just couldn’t surface to deal with. See it all makes sense to me now. Maybe if people could take a year off work just to get straight you wouldn’t have so much hositility in the community. If it wasn’t all about money for survival, if there was a window for a break we may be in better health. My husband insisted that it would take a year for me to discover myself, he’s right I’m only just now opening my eyes, there’s still much work to be done. There is a light in the distance. I suppose I was right that day at the park when I told him I believe this is my breaking point because I’ve been different ever since.
It hurts to let go, it hurts to surface those things deep inside, it hurts but maybe not for much longer.
Peace and love to you all. If you do one thing today take the time to close your eyes and smile with your face, your brain, your stomach even your liver. Appreciate the moment you have right now and smile.
Tonight I will begin my blog on slavery in Africa. It’s interesting so stay tuned.

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